Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize