Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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