i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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