My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize