I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
