if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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