There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
