wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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