what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You were trust falling into bushes
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
