this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
