I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
