when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
