allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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