Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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