I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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