So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
