I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
