I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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