I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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