I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
