fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
