the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
