I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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