You're my little dorito
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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