i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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