I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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