if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
