Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
