I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
