just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
