the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
