I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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