Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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