Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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