I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
