so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
