He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize