a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
