So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize