I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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