just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I love you.
Bad choice
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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