Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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