I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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