Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
