You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
