If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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