Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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