He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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