My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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