I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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