I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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