I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
