My liver just broke up with me...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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