i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
