I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
