i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
