The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
