thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize