Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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