why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
