Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
