the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You made out with two different species that night
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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