Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
