sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
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