Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
