You made me cry and you don't even care
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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