OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
