whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
