i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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