I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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