apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
