why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
