Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
