wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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