mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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