I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm really busy with my period
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